Something Lost, Something Gained
by SkimElektraLatte
Summary: Kate's been gone for 11 months. Now she's back, and Castle's worst nightmare is realized. But what comes next, not even the famous author could have imagined. Years after the events of Always. Pretty angsty, but sweet moments too.
1. One and Done

He'd had brushes with death before. Ever since he'd started playing cop, he'd grown to realize that not everything was a game. Some things were serious, and he had to treat them as such. There were creeps out there. Mangled, sick imitations of humans who would cheat and lie and kill just to get ahead. He'd always understood the logic of it though. It was sick and twisted, he knew. But there was a logic.

But this? This left more than just a bitter taste in his mouth.

This was pure poison, and he could already feel it eating away at his insides, his soul. This was all-consuming. A different kind of death that killed you from the inside.

"Richard?"

A sliver of light slipped through the crack in the door and grew as Martha Rogers stepped in the dark and dismal room. She could only see the glint of the glass of scotch her son was holding in the dim lighting. He sat in a chair, staring into the amber liquid, hunched over like a lost man. "Richard, you have to come out of here sooner or later." Castle didn't respond. Only bore his eyes further into his drink, of which he hadn't even attempted to sip yet. Martha looked up at the ceiling.

"What about Alexis? What about her? She needs you right now. If you don't get out of this room for any other reason, you should at least check on Alexis." Still, no response.

"Darling, the funeral is today. You wanted it as soon as possible. You have to-"

"I _know!_" Castle rarely raised his voice to his mother, and he looked away shamefully before looking back. "I know." He said more calmly, staring into Martha's eyes. He searched them for a minute longer, flicking back and forth between her identical blue orbs, looking for a sign of forgiveness or even annoyance or hurt.

There was nothing but pity.

Castle set the glass of scotch down on the table in front of him, stood up in silence, and walked out the door. He tried to ignore the sigh of the woman he had just left in the dark as he plodded towards his bedroom to pick out a suit.

* * *

"You ready?" His daughter's sweet young face was a breath of fresh air. A small weight off his heavy shoulders. Rick Castle nodded. "Let's go."

He locked his left arm with Alexis, and his right with Martha. Castle looked down the long hallway they were in. It wasn't somber, just plain. White walls and a bluish carpet. Doors on either side leading to little sitting rooms and parlors. "Jim?" Martha called out to one of the doors behind them. "It's time."

Jim Beckett stepped into the hallway. He looked older and more weary than ever. Alexis, ever gracious, offered her hand and he took it.

Whatever pain Castle was feeling, he felt for the weathered man.

He had no one left.

When the four got to the end of the hallway, there was another door that they all knew would lead to the church. Why she wanted to have it in a church, Castle couldn't guess. But he knew it must have some significance, because these kinds of things always did with her.

The makeshift family broke links and began to walk through the door. But Castle couldn't do it. His eyes floated downward to the ring on his finger.

_"You sure you wanna do this?" He asked honestly, staring at the crowd waiting for them outside and the impatient-looking priest. "With me? I mean..." _

_"Castle." She said, a bronze curl bouncing in front of her face as she gave him a smirk, sure he was joking. Her eyes looked even more green against the sheer white of her dress. The writer continued to protest."No, I'm serious! I mean, you saw what happened with the other two..." The woman raised her eyebrows. _

_"Well I'm not the other two." She stared at him to make sure he got the point. Then her eyes narrowed. "Here." She said. "I want you to have something." She slipped a silver band off her ring finger and on to his. "I know we're supposed to give these to each other at the altar..but I figure, what difference does two minutes make?" _

_She was right, she definitely wasn't like the other two. _

_"Remember, Castle." She grasped his shoulders and rose up on her toes to meet his ear. Her lips brushed his skin, giving him goosebumps, as she whispered, "I'm a one and done kind of girl."  
_

Castle tried to get a grip on himself as he twisted the silver band around his finger. If he could just get through this... He pushed the doors open, the memory of his wedding day drifting around him like a sweet perfume.

There were so many people.

The church was packed. There were people just sitting outside, looking in through the windows, paying their respects. For a minute, Castle felt as if he were trapped in a bubble. Everything he heard sounded muffled and distorted, just out of reach. Faces in a sea of black followed him as he took his seat at the very front, next to his family and Jim Beckett, facing the podium head on.

As the ceremony started, Castle looked sideways and caught a glimpse of Esposito in the front, face hard as stone, next to Ryan, who's cheeks shone with wet, grasping Jenny's hand.

The writer broke out of his bubble just in time to hear someone at the podium say, "And now, Richard Castle, partner and friend, will say a few words."

Alexis squeezed his hand as he got up from his seat and made his way to the podium. Castle made his way to the podium and started to grope around in his pocket for the speech he prepared, but stopped himself. He didn't need it.  
The microphone gave a slight squeak at the moment of pressure when Richard Castle grasped its handle like a lifeline.

"My wife and I knew each other long before we got married. Five years, in fact. I have a sneaking suspicion that there was a pool in the precinct as to how many years it would actually take, if we ever got hitched. For those of you who know me, or have even read about me in the tabloids, you'd know that I'd been married two times before. My first wife brought me my daughter, my second wife got me a job."

There was a hesitant laugh at this.

"But neither of them were like her. She was different. She was the kind of girl who would wear sweats in the morning and not be embarrassed about it. She could cook you a gourmet breakfast if you asked her nicely. She would sing in public, and go to the bar for a good drink. She was confident and strong and stunning. Every time I saw her she stunned me. Her beauty was great and her personality was greater. She made me understand the sacredness of good times through her bad ones. I don't know if a day goes by where I don't wonder what I did to deserve such a woman"

"She always told me, "Castle, I'm a one and done type of girl." And though my past decrees that I can't say the same, I can say that there never was and never will be another woman like Katherine Beckett. She was extraordinary and remarkable. She was the light in my life, right up there with my daughter and my mother. I will miss her more than I can say. She has made me into who I am today, and who I will be for all the days to come. I love you, Kate."

Through the silent tears welling up in his eyes, Castle could see the black-clad man in the back of the church, beckoning the writer with a wave of his hand.

"Thank you." said Rick as he stepped down from the podium. He excused himself and made his way to the back of the church, catching the confused stares from his family.

The black-clad man led Castle into the hallway. "What are you doing?" asked Castle, feverishly wiping his eyes. "I'm in the middle of a service! Can't you at least be respectful?"

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Castle." The man replied quickly. "But you said to let you know as soon as we found something." He took a small, leather-bound book out of his pocket. "This was meant for you."

Castle opened the front cover of the journal. On the inside was an inscription, written in black ink.

_To Richard Castle  
_

_Love, Kate  
_


	2. That Certain Order

Chapter Two:

_Dear Castle, _

_I can't stop thinking about you. I don't know where you are, I don't know what you're doing. I wish I could see you. I miss you so much… I hope you're not too worried about me. Though I've been hearing my name in the alleyways so I assume that means you are, and that there are about twenty private investigators on my tail. I just want you to know one thing: This isn't about mom. _

_When I promised you I would leave it alone, I meant it. Though I admit, after that big fight at that book party, I thought about it. (Remember that fight? It was in the morning paper.) I almost called Espo to ask him for the files that night when I stayed at my dad's. But it had been so long since I'd even thought about that case. It just didn't feel right anymore. So I called you instead and apologized. _

_I love you, Rick. I chose you, I promise. _

_Love, _

_ Kate_

Castle stared at the journal, running his thumb over the flourish of her cursive 'e'. What now?

What did he do now?

There were over 200 letters in this journal, one for each day she'd been away from him. Some were only one line, others were five or six pages. Castle hadn't gotten through all of them yet; he'd started from the beginning. The 11 year old boy in him yearned to skip ahead, to pass the plot twists and suspense so he could just get to the part where some bastard killed his wife.

But Rick Castle, the writer, had enough respect for the story and for Kate. Some things just had a certain order to them.

Castle looked back at the journal and rubbed the 'e' again. _Kate…_

"_Kate?" Castle took off his jacket and hung it on the hat-stand that now lived in his apartment since the wedding. Who gives a hat-stand as a wedding present? _

"_Kate, I'm home!" There wasn't any answer. "Are you hiding from me? Because you know, I am an excellent seeker." A bit of boyish humor tinged his voice as Castle called out into the silent apartment. _

"_Is this about the milk? Because I swear, I wouldn't have let you drink it if I knew it was spoiled." Rick crept towards their bedroom door and leaned against the frame of it. "Okay, honey. You got me. I set you up with the milk." Still no answer. _

"_That's it, I'm coming in." He said through a chuckle. Castle knocked on the door. _

_It swung open with a creak. A hint of worry slipped in to the writer's voice. "Kate?" He checked the bathroom. "Kate?" He checked the closet. He checked the kitchen. He checked upstairs. _

_With each room his voice raised an octave and by the end he was yelling. "__**Kate? Kate, answer me!" **_

_It was his worst fear coming true. It was a fear he'd gotten a taste of only a couple times. He hadn't felt it since 2 ½ years ago when she chose her mother's murder over him. When she left him, blind with revenge. Of course, that time she'd made it up to him. It involved door slamming and…the rest of it was pretty much a glorious blur. _

_But now she'd really done it. _

_She was gone. _

_He dialed 911, but it was in vain. He knew they wouldn't be able to help. Because he knew his wife. He knew Kate. _

_And he knew no one could stop her. _

He never said it out loud, but 11 months ago, Castle had been convinced that Kate had found some new lead on her mother's case. And he was sure she'd left because she didn't want to face telling him.

He'd thought she was a coward.

But he was wrong. She'd been loyal to him and to her promise. He was the coward, and his insides squirmed with guilt at the thought.

But if it wasn't Johanna, what was it?

What killed Kate?


	3. For Someone You Love

Chapter Three

The morgue was a sullen place. It was quiet except for the buzz and hum of the florescent lights, peaceful except for the smell of death that hung in the air like a heavy blanket. In other words, there were few people who could spice it up in there.

Medical Examiner Heathe was not a sullen as a child. When he was a teenager he had big dreams of becoming an actor on the big screen, being immortalized as a star. But with growing up comes a sense of reality, routine, and paths of least resistance. Connor Heathe was always a natural when it came to puzzles. He couldn't get enough of them, and the first time he dissected a frog, he realized that anatomy was just like a bigger, more complicated riddle. Medical Examination had been his path of least resistance, and what had just been a hobby became a career.

Now career was routine, and each body became just another riddle, a story he'd read many times before. Kate Beckett was no different. Being in the forensic science business, he knew her name. Knew her rocky history with the force, the murder of a serial killer in the 12th precinct, something about a suspension after an incident with the edge of a building. He knew she'd married her partner, that famous writer… But other than that, she was just someone who'd had a common end for her profession.

Before making the slit, he handled the body carefully, looked around for tell-tale signs of foul play. There were bruising patterns around her mouth as if someone had covered it, and a red spot on the left side of her neck. They'd run a toxicology screen to see if any drugs had been inserted there via syringe, and the results had been positive. That was probably COD, but he wouldn't know until he got a look under the skin.

Heathe began to look in sensitive areas of the body for signs of allergic reaction to the drug. As he inspected the abdominal area, something caught his eye. He put his hands on the hips of the victim and stared down at her quizzically. Then he ripped his gloves off and was out of the door. There was something he needed to tell the detective.

_Richard Castle stepped into The Old Haunt. He liked to go here when he was stressed, have a drink and relax. He oozed into a booth and ordered a scotch. _

_Kate had been gone for two months. Every P.I. he hired told him to give up, that she was gone and wasn't coming back. But he couldn't accept it. He knew his wife, and this wasn't her. He refused to let her be just another forgotten file in a room full of missing people. People who didn't have a face anymore because their loved ones had given up searching. He wouldn't be like that. He wouldn't give up. _

_She wasn't gone, she was just hiding. Now Richard Castle had counted to ten, and he was going to find her, whatever it took. _

"_Rick?" Barry, the bartender, looked at the writer, holding the public phone above his head. "It's for you." _

_Castle reluctantly took hold of the receiver and turned a corner so as to make whatever conversation he was about to have semi-private. _

_His voice sounded resigned when he spoke, like he'd lived too long and seen too much. _

"_Hello?" _

"_Castle, it's me." _

_Hearing her voice was like visiting the scene of a childhood memory. You think back on it for so long that you think you know every detail of the moment: who laughed and when, what it looked like, how you reacted when it happened. And then you go back to that same playground, now famous in your mind and realize that it's completely different than what you thought it was. _

_Nothing's ever what you think it is. _

_A bubble of anger expanded in his chest, butterflies danced around in his stomach, and his head ached with passionate desire. Castle didn't even try to say something. He just wrapped his hands tighter around the receiver and pressed his head against the wall. _

"_Castle?"_

_He could hear the fear in her voice. Was he still there? Was he ignoring her? Part of him wanted to make her squirm a bit, punish her for the hell he'd been going through lately. But he also wanted to cradle her face in his hands and feel her lips on his, be so close to her skin that he could feel heat radiating off it. And part of him wanted to slump down to the floor, close his eyes and go to sleep. _

"_Rick." This was of a question, and more of a plea. "Rick, I need you. I need to see you." _

_More silence._

"_Please." She whispered. "Please…"_

_For some inexplicable reason, at that moment, Rick Castle looked toward the window, and there she was. Phone in gloved hand. Hat pulled almost over her eyes. Scarf wrapped tightly around her neck, in a black trench coat that fell to her knees with pants to match. Eyes fixed on him._

_There. _

_Right in front of him. _

_He could hear the words through the phone as she mouthed them through the window. "Please."_

_He dropped the receiver, grabbed his coat, and headed towards the door. _

"Detective Shoney?" Heathe spoke into the hallway telephone. A gruff voice replied, "Jesus, Connor, it's almost midnight. What the hell are you doing working?"

"Had nothing else to do. Listen, it's about the Beckett case."

"Couldn't it have waited until a more appropriate hour?"

"It's important. I was just checking the abdomen for anomalies, and there was something odd about the shape of her hips. I just checked the X-Rays, and Shoney, this woman has given birth."

"So?"

"So it was recently. As in the baby nothing but a month old. And I don't see any birth certificate, so where is it? Where's the kid?"

Silence on the other line, then: "Call Cap'n Gates. I'll notify the family, ask them if they know of anyone that the woman might've trusted to keep her baby safe."

"_I'm not supposed to be here, Castle. But I had to see you."_

_They'd relocated from outside The Old Haunt to a Starbucks down the road. Kate clutched a cup of coffee in her hand like it was a lifeline, and stared into Castle's eyes. _

"_Just say something. Please, say something."_

_They sat across from each-other, and to anyone walking by, they would seem like a normal couple. Normal people at a normal coffee shop having a normal conversation. But there was nothing normal about this. _

"_Where have you been?" He asked, his words locked and loaded with angst. _

"_I've b—" He cut her off. _

"_And what have you been doing? Who've you been seeing? What's this about? Why the hell haven't you called, written, or made any attempt to call me in the past two months? Why did you just walk out like that?"_

_Her voice was strained and stretched so thin it sounded like it was going to break. "I can't tell you." She whispered. _

_He couldn't take it. He walked out of the shop and on to the sidewalk to get some air. She followed. They both just stood there, watching the cars go by, observing the chaos of the city. Not saying anything for awhile. _

_Then, _

"_I can show you where I've been, if you want." She looked up at him. He still stared straight ahead. "But if I do, I'll have to relocate. You won't be able to find me there after this." _

_He looked at her and nodded._

_The apartment was tiny, and in a bad part of town. It was one-bedroom, with a bar for a kitchen table, a sink and a fridge. The bed was the couch and the living room chairs. _

"_Welcome to my humble abode." Said Kate, spreading her arms wide and setting her coffee cup on the counter. She shook her coat off her shoulders and set it down with the coffee, revealing a long-sleeved, navy blue shirt that buttoned all the way down the front. _

"_Is this the part where we sit down and you tell me what's going on?" Asked Castle forcefully. _

_Kate's hands dropped to her sides, and she beckoned him to sit down on the bed with her. She took off her hat, scarf and gloves and set them on the floor. There was nowhere else to put them. _

"_I can't tell you much. Only that I've been living here for the past couple of months and that I've missed you. And I'm not supposed to be talking to you right now. Hell, I'm not even supposed to be looking you in the eye. I'm breaking all the rules…" She trailed off and looked downwards. _

"_What is this? Castle's voice filled with rage. He stood up and paced. "You call me, tell me you have to talk to me, and for what? Nothing! You can't just disappear and reappear at your leisure, Kate! You can't just drop by for a kiss and a coffee and then become invisible for the next two months! We're married, we have a __**life **__together—"_

"_Castle, please!" The desperation in her voice cut him like a knife, but he couldn't control himself._

"_I didn't know if you were even in New York! Do you understand what that's like? You could have been dead, for all I know. You could have been—"_

"_Castle, stop!" She cried as she stood up, her eyes watery and threatening to spill over with tears at any moment. He looked away, his hands on his hips. Kate lifted her hand to meet his right cheek, her thumb cupping his chin and making an L formation with her pointer finger. She tilted his head so he had to look her in the eye. _

"_They. Are going. To __**kill you." **_

_Green stared into blue. _

"_Think about that for a second." She whispered. "Just think about it." Castle said nothing, permitting her to continue._

"_Imagine that someone hated you so much, that they were beyond hurting you. Imagine they wanted to torture you, break you until you were mere pieces of a human. Imagine that they were going to keep you alive, purely for the purpose of making you suffer. Imagine that they were going to kill every last person you love and make you watch." She spit out her words like they were bullets being fired._

"_Imagine that they were going to start with me."_

_Castle stared still, but he was listening now. He was hearing her now. _

"_What would you do? Would you wait around for it to happen? Or would you try to keep as much distance as you could so that you could end it with no harm done?" _

_Their eyes never left each other's. _

"_What would you do," A shape drew from the corner of Kate's eye and trickled down her cheek. "For someone you love?"_

_Without leaving her gaze, Castle cupped her chin in his left hand. He swept his thumb across her upper lip, wiping away the tear that had fallen, and tilted her face to meet his. He let his lips melt into hers, and as they did, the pair simultaneously inhaled as if they were holding their breath, waiting for something to break them apart. _

_When they released, Kate buried her face in his shoulder and wrapped her arms around him. He cradled her, and stroked her hair. "Shhh," he comforted. "Shhh…"_

_When she looked up at him, her face was wet and shining. Her look was one of desperation, almost as if she were asking him for something. _

"_Richard, I—"_

_But he cut her off, pressing his mouth to hers with a passion, running his hands through her hair as he grasped at her hungrily. She pushed back, favoring his bottom lip and flicking her tongue once, twice, three times. They tasted each other. _

_Castle reached around her to the buttons at the back of her shirt and ripped them apart a few at a time. When Kate's skin made contact with the cold air, her skin prickled with goosebumps. She threw her head back with a moan as he kissed her neck, leaving her skin in confusion as it burned and froze at the same time._

* * *

**_-S.E.L._**


	4. Sinister

Chapter Four

_Dear Castle,_

_It's been almost a month and a half since we saw each other at The Old Haunt. I've been working on getting all this sorted out, but I've been so sick lately. Some mornings I'm completely immobilized… This might take longer than I thought._

_Always,_  
_Kate_

_Dear Castle,_

_It's been half a year since I left, 4 months since that night in my temporary apartment. I can't sleep. I miss you._

_-Kate_

_Dear Castle,_

_It's been 7 months since I left… I thought I would be coming home right about now. But something's come up… I'm pregnant, Castle. I'm having a baby. And I just.. I'm so afraid for this child, Castle. I mean, I saw the signs… Months ago, I saw them. But I just… I don't want another way for them to hurt me, to hurt you. I fear for my child and I wish he (or she)_  
_didn't have to belong to me. This life I lead, it's dangerous. I want to love this baby, not be scared for it. So I have to lay low for the next few months and…_

_I don't know what I'm going to do._

_Love, Kate_

Richard Castle woke with a start. It was pitch black around him, and the only reason he could partially see his hand in front of his face was because of the faint glint of his wedding ring. He wasn't able to sleep since two nights ago when one of the lead investigators on Beckett's case called with the news. She had a baby. They had a baby.

And that was when he skipped ahead. He couldn't help it, he had to read it for himself. And there it was, on the 197th day of her disappearance.  
"I'm pregnant, Castle."

He'd thought about that particular letter more times than he could count. If only he could tell her that part of having a child was wishing that they belonged to someone else's less-flawed family because they were the only person in the world who you wanted the best for, no matter your personal needs. But you loved them so much, you couldn't live a day without them even if you tried.

Children were a paradox. A statement, proposition, or concept that,  
despite sound (or apparently sound) reasoning from acceptable premises, leads to a conclusion that seems senseless, logically unacceptable, or self-contradictory.

They were love in its purest form.

And every night for the past two nights, Castle had been up, racking his brain about where this child might be. Who did Kate trust who had no connection to her current life, to New York, to Castle. Who did she trust who couldn't be touched by whoever was endangering her life, who had killed her? And who trusted her enough to keep this baby safe without telling a soul about it?

Madison was an old high school friend, but she was… unreliable to say the least, and lived in the city with a high-profile job. Jim now lived out of state in his retirement, but he was definitely too close to Beckett.  
They had talked every day.

It couldn't be anyone who was associated with her in the force, not even in her rookie days. And not anyone from Stanford… Beckett being pre-  
law was common knowledge. Maybe it had been a club she was in as a little kid, someone from a dance class or band in high school…

Castle picked up the phone on his bedside table and punched in a number. It rang three times, four times… "Come on, pick up."  
Castle muttered to himself. On the fifth ring, a sleep-drugged voice grumbled, "Who are you and what do you want at 3 in the morning?"

"Ryan, it's Castle."

The detective breathed a pitying sigh.

"Castle, go to sleep. It's very late. No, scratch that, very early."

"I need a favor, Ryan. Please."

"Castle, you know I can't—"

"I need this, Kevin. It's for Kate. For Beckett."

Silence.

"What do you need?"

* * *

Medical Examiner Heathe took in the scene. The Crime Scene Unit hovered around the area, buzzing like flies on leftover meat. Taking pictures, logging personal effects, swiping for prints. Details, details, details.

That was what it was all about, the details. In his line of work, even the tiniest mark on the skin could be the make or break of a criminal case.

Yellow tape was stretched across the alleyway on both sides, barring it from the public. This not being a particularly high profile or gruesome case, the media was relatively absent. In the center of all the chaos lay the key to the mystery, the missing puzzle piece: the body.

The man lay on his stomach, face to the pavement. His arms and legs were spread out the way they would be if you were reaching for something while trying to balance on a log. A trickle of dried blood traveled from the victim's bald head down his neck.

Heathe pulled on some surgical gloves. They were rubbery and made his skin feel tight and strange. He'd never quite gotten used to them. Kneeling to the ground, the M.E. poked around for a minute, then looked up at an officer above him. The kid seemed too young to be in this profession. In a pathetic excuse to look more seasoned, a going-nowhere-mustache bristled above his lip. He spoke the way you would expect him to speak: All business, ready to prove himself but to proud to admit it.

"The victim's name is Carver Burke. Driver's license was in his wallet in a pocket. Worked as a psychologist, employed by the government to work for the NYPD. Has a wife and four kids, all past their twenties. They're being informed now. CSU isn't finding any prints or weapons in the area, but we're still in the middle of a sweep. It's probably-"

"I'm sorry," said Heathe, squinting his eyes. "Did you say Burke? Dr. Burke?"

"Yes, sir." The man... the boy tilted his head to the side like a confused puppy.

Heathe's heart dropped to his stomach. In a frenzy, he pulled the turtleneck the victim was wearing down far enough so he could check the side of his neck. And there it was.

The same puncture wound that had been the end of Katherine Beckett.

This wasn't just an encounter with a mugger carrying a bad temper on his back. This wasn't just back-alley-bad-luck. This wasn't run of the mill anymore.

This was pre-meditated. Planned.

This was sinister.

* * *

"Castle."

The writer stood in line at a grocery store, a bottle of orange juice in his hand. "Yeah?" He replied.

"We got it."

* * *

**Hello! Sorry I've been so irregular with posting new chapters... I'll try to do better! I hope you all are liking it so far even though it's pretty angsty. But I promise I know where I'm going with this, and it does have a sweet ending! I always LOVE reviews (I even appreciate critical ones) so it would be great if you would take the time! **

**-SEL **


	5. Avalanche In The Dark

Chapter Five

When Alexis Castle thought of the past couple years of her life, one word came to mind: Avalanche.

She still remembered the way the dictionary defined it as if she were 7 again, with the large, leather-bound book sitting in her lap as she poured over words and wisdom and meanings. "A sudden arrival or occurrence of something in overwhelming quantities."

That was what her life was like.

All these things, all at once.

First of all, her dad was dating Detective Beckett. Which wouldn't have been so weird if Alexis didn't know her. Sure, she knew her mom, and Gina. And she sometimes had conversations with the odd blonde over breakfast while her father slept off the hangover.

But she liked Kate.

And she knew her dad.

It was just hard to believe that Richard Castle was serious about anything, especially romantic relationships. And if it ever stopped working out, what if Alexis lost Kate for good? Growing up, Alexis had witnessed only unhealthy relationships. Now it seemed like she was just hanging on the edge, waiting for all the plans to fall through. Waiting for something to go awry, to not work out.

She was worrisome for the first few months of her father and Kate. But after days coming home to do her laundry, making sure dad had cleaned the dishes or bought himself enough food for the weekend, Alexis began to expect Kate to be around. And when the wedding came around, all the worries and anxieties she'd had were pushed to the back of her mind.

Only to be shoved right back into the forefront.

Kate's disappearance.

Alexis loathed her for that. She hated the detective for leaving without saying goodbye, or even leaving a note. Hated her for destroying her father, of disrupting the new rhythm she'd discovered in her own life. She didn't understand why, didn't particularly want to know. It was easier to blame all of her recent problems on Kate without being distracted by the fact that she may have left for the greater good.

Eleven months, they searched for her. Eleven months, Alexis pleaded with her father to keep writing, to go back work and distract himself. Eleven months, there was nothing.

And there was.

She turned up. But with nothing to her name but the clothes on her back. She didn't even carry a beating heart.

It was the last straw. The last crack her glass mask could take before it all burst apart and shattered into millions of tiny pieces.

She had been trying to carry her dad on her shoulders, make sure that everything still ran smoothly without Kate around. She tried cooking him breakfast, making him coffee. She began to live with him, so she could keep him company. She took him to therapists, arranged for guests to come over so that he'd be forced to socialize. She didn't leave any time for herself.

But Rick Castle's weight had become too much to bear when the news of Beckett's death reached his ears.

And while there were billions of reasons why the whole situation was so wrong, so horrific and terrible, there was just a tiny bit of relief sparkling in the back of Alexis' mind.

She didn't have to carry him anymore. Now she had an excuse to deal with it all by herself. To cry and to grieve, to think and reflect. She needed it. For herself.

It was finally starting to get better. She was finally starting to come to terms with Kate's death. It was always there, lingering. But she was living with it now, like her body had stopped rejecting the idea. And as the thought hardened, became concrete in her mind, she became more and more angry.

Alexis Castle had never been an angry person. Sure, the occasional fight with her dad or disagreement with her grandmother. There had been plenty of nights when she'd been angry with a bunch of girlfriends and decided to burn pictures and tear apart jewelry. But never like this.

She was livid that someone chose Kate as their target, decided to make her the most important piece in their chess game. She was selfishly enraged that she had to deal with all this, that her life was hard right now and there was nothing she could do about it. But most of all, she was furious that someone deliberately chose to end a life, knowing it would be the first domino in a long line of destruction. Alexis needed somewhere to put all this rage, somewhere to channel all this angst. So she did. She put it all towards one singular goal:

She wanted the bastard who did it. Who ruined her dad's life, her life, and especially Kate's.

She wanted him bad.

So when she overheard the conversation her dad was having in the checkout line, she wanted in.

Alexis Castle stood with a carton of eggs in her hand, staring deep into the tiled floors of the grocery store. She didn't know why. There was a combination of the frigid grocery store air and the elevator music in the background that just made her want to stare into space. Who cared anyway? It's not like she had anywhere to be. After this, she'd probably just go home and sit on the couch until it was time to go to bed.

Though, her dad was waiting for her at the cash register.

They'd gotten the wrong type of eggs. It was a known fact that Richard Castle only ate the white-colored chicken eggs. Not brown, not speckled, not organic (he claimed that was a color). Just plain. And white. So Alexis had to run to the beverage, yogurt and egg isle to grab the right carton.

"Hey, I know you!" A boyish, slightly accented voice called out to Alexis. She turned around, snapping back to reality. "You're that famous writer's daughter!" He held out a hand.

The man was about as tall as Alexis, which would make him small for his age. He looked about 28 or 30. His black hair was shiny and slicked back. The leather jacket he wore was bulky and big on him, and looked like he was of Mexican heritage, which would fit his accent.

"Um, yes. Hi." Alexis answered, switching the carton of eggs to her left hand as she shook with her right. His hand was warm and soft, except for the cold metal of a silver ring he wore on his right pinky. He spoke again. "I really love your father's work. He is a great inspiration to me. Will you give him my regards? My name is Abraham Lopez."

"Of course, I will. Thanks so much, we really appreciate the support." The words sounded robotic and rehearsed coming out of her mouth. Abraham was about to turn away, when suddenly it seemed like he had forgotten to mention something. "Oh yes," he said holding up a finger. "And, also tell his beautiful wife that I think she does... honorable work for this great city." On the word great, Adam looked up at the ceiling and raised his arms as holding New York City in his hands.

"Oh, I... She's..." Alexis stuttered, feeling sabotaged by the request, as if it had deliberately smacked her in the face. But the man was already gone, turning the corner into the cereal aisle.

Why would he ask that of her? Didn't he know that she was dead? It had been in the papers, all over the news... Famous Mystery Writer Encounters a Mystery of His Own, Cop + Writer = Murder?, His Castle Crumbles, Successful Writer's Wife Goes Missing, The titles just went on and on.

Alexis pushed the newspapers and Abraham Lopez from her mind and walked toward the checkout line. She absentmindedly walked into the wrong lane, and looking up from behind trashy magazines and candy, she could see the top of her dad's head in the lane next to hers. She was about to cross over with the eggs, when she caught a piece of his conversation.

"Well, what did you find? There's got to be something in her past... something."

Alexis Castle pressed her cheek to a Hershey bar, itching to hear more.

"A dance class? Maybe one of the kids in there... Oh. Okay. Well, do any of them live outside the state? How can none of those ballet girls live outside of New York? That's impossible, I just-"

He was cut off by whoever was on the other line.

"Yes. I know you're doing the best you can." Apologetic. "But are you sure this is the only one that red flagged you?" Determined. "Yes, well, call me if you think of something." Dejected.

The cell phone clicked as Alexis switched lanes. "Did you check up on the teacher?" Rick Castle turned around. "Hey, sweetie. What were you saying?"

"Did you do background on the teacher? Of the ballet class?" She held out the egg carton. Castle didn't look that far down to meet his daughter's eyes. She'd grown so much, she was a young woman now. "Honey, I... That's not.. We'll talk about it later." He grabbed for the carton, but Alexis held it an pinky's width out of his reach. "Nuh-uh. I want in." She demanded.

Castle sighed, still holding his hand out. Alexis raised an eyebrow. "Fine." He resigned. "Fine, fine, fine. Just gimme the eggs." She shoved the carton into his hands, giving a half-hearted smile. He pulled her into him, and kissed the top of her head. "We'll get through this. I know we will."

Alexis felt like a little girl again, pressed against her father's chest, taking in the smell of him because it reminded her of good times. She needed his comfort. She couldn't be a big girl all the time.

The moment lasted only a few precious seconds though, because when she looked over Rick Castle's shoulder, she found they had been holding up the line for quite some time.

Detective Shoney had flipped through hours of footage of Dr. Burke's sessions and nothing had red flagged. He was about to quit when Kate Beckett's Tuesday appointment from a year ago captured his attention.

"Are these sessions taped?" The woman asked quietly. The camera that had been recording them was in the corner of a wall, so Shoney could only see the tops of their heads. "Yes, but they are strictly for legal purposes regarding the NYPD. If anyone sees them, it's me. I am personally responsible for anything that happens to these tapes. After they are recorded, I keep them in safekeeping." Burke replied. "Is there something you'd like to tell me."

"Well," Kate Beckett replied, "Last night, there was... I mean, I had a.. a dream." There must have been something written on the woman's face that implied that it wasn't just a dream because the therapist leaned in and his forehead creased with interested worry.

"I was in bed with Castle. Sleeping. We were... sleeping. And it was dark. I mean, obviously it was dark, it was nighttime. Anyways, I was sleeping, and then, all the sudden, I wasn't. And I looked up, and there was this... this man. I mean, I couldn't see his face. Just his silhouette. And he was holding this syringe."

The woman stopped and ran her hand through her hair. "He said, um.. He said to me, 'There are 110 milligrams of oxycodone in this syringe and if you don't get out now, I'm going to kill everyone you love, starting with him.' And then he was pointing at Castle with the syringe and I.."

Each syllable seemed to be harder and harder for Kate Beckett to pronounce. She was starting to sound wobbly and unstable. Dr. Burke sat back in his chair as she pressed her palms to her face. "Are you...?" He let his sentence trail off as he drank from the glass of water sitting on the table next to him. The female detective looked up. "Thirsty?" She asked. "I mean, thirsty. I'm thirsty. Can we go outside? So I can get a drink of water?" The tape continued to run as the pair left the room.

Then it went fuzzy, and turned to black.

* * *

**I hope you like this chapter! Sorry it keeps taking me too long to update... It always takes me pretty long to write a chapter. Anyways, I decided to focus on Alexis with this chapter because I haven't in previous instances. So I hope you enjoy it and that you'll still interested in the story. Hang in there, I really appreciate the readers! And I ESPECIALLY appreciate reviews! Anything you say I'm willing to listen to. So anyways, thanks a lot for reading and I hope you'll take the time to give me feedback. **

**-SEL**


	6. Quiet, Curious, and Nosy

Chapter Six:

"Hello, my name is Alexis and I'm interested in taking dance classes from Mrs. Tetrano. I hear there are spots open for the ballet class." Richard Castle paced on the floor in front of his daughter, rubbing the top of his head every five steps. "I'm sorry," the person on the other line replied coldy, "but you seem to be calling from an out-of-state number. I'm a little confused as to how you will be able to make the trip every Tuesday and Thursday from 5 to 9."

"Yes., Well, I..It's funny because.." Alexis widened her eyes at her father's, pleading for support. "Uh.." He mumbled. "Uhm, " She repeated to the receptionist on the other line. "Oh!" He gasped. "Used cell phone, used cell phone." He whispered.

"Used cell phone." Alexis choked out. "Excuse me?" Asked the receptionist. "I bought a used cell phone from out of state. So the number is different." Gaining more confidence, Alexis began to harden her voice into a pushier tone.

"Now, may I please speak to Mrs. Tetrano."

"She's at home. It is a Saturday."

"Well, can you give me her number?" Alexis was beginning to get frustrated.

"I'm afrai-"

"Miss, please. I know everything. I know about Mrs. Tetrano's baby. I know she told you not to tell anyone. But she is in danger, and we need to speak to her right away." At saying this, Alexis' hand flew to her mouth. She didn't mean to say it, but she was getting so distressed. Castle had stopped his pacing and now just stood still, staring at his daughter and the phone in her hand.

There was silence on the phone.

Then, "I'll forward your call."

Alexis breathed a sigh of relief.

* * *

Detective Shoney stared at the murder board. Kate Beckett, killed at 11:47 pm on a Sunday. COD? High dose of oxycodone represented by a wound in the neck. Murder weapon: syringe. Had Kate Beckett had any recent conflict in her life? Yes. She had been missing for almost a year, causing numerous grievances for her father, husband, step-daughter, mother-in-law and close friends. They were angry and saddened enough... that could be motive. But they'd interviewed all of them. There wasn't much resentment, just lots of love.

Reason for disappearance? After watching Dr. Burke's tape, it seemed like someone had threatened to kill her family unless she didn't become invisible. So whoever killed her must have gotten tired of her being quiet. And he killed Dr. Burke because he knew something about it.

Who was next?

"Detective Shoney? Something came in for you." Some kid in uniform handed him a letter and left.

Never one for patience, Shoney ripped it open upon contact. The letter was printed on white computer paper. In bold type, it read:

killed kate cuz she got too quiet and fat. killed the doc cuz he was curious. now i kill the nosy ones and when i kill them all, i go after katie's extra pounds, wherever they are.

"Santoni!" Shoney called out. A man a couple desks away raised his head. "Get Esposito and Ryan down here. We have some business to sort out." He slammed the letter on the table with a bang.

* * *

Alexis' eyes had barely registered to the darkness when she was knocked to the ground. A slap met her cheek, and she cried out in pain.

"Get on the chair." A slightly accented voice commanded. But Alexis was too dazed to do anything but moan and curl up on the cold concrete floor.

The click of a loaded gun filled the silence in the musty air. "Get on the chair."

Alexis obeyed this time around, lifting herself up and feeling around in the darkness for the chair. When she found it, she sat herself down and tried to catch her breath. Where was she? How did she get here?

Her hands shook violently.

The man who had been talking to her came closer, and she could smell his rancid breath. She heard the crackle of duct tape being pulled from the roll as she was bound to the legs of the chair. The man was sticking her wrists to the arms of the seat when Alexis noticed something.

Something glinted on his right hand. Something silver.

"Abraham." She breathed. The man stopped what he was doing. "I... I met you in the grocery store." Her forehead creased with effort, as if trying to remember. "You asked me to give your regards to-"

"Shut up!" He spat, bits of saliva spattering her face due to their proximity. "It's Adam Gonzales. Adam Jr. My father was Adam Sr. And that stupid bitch ruined his life. She's a fucking murderer, is what she is. She killed my father and my mother and my little brother, and now I'm going to do the same."

"What are you talking about?" Alexis struggled in her bonds, finally regaining mental ability and realizing the kind of situation she was in. "Where's my dad?"

"Oh, daddy's not gonna save you now. Katie's not going to save you now, that stupid murdering bitch. Daddy's in a special place, asking just the same questions, and Katherine?" His white teeth shone in the darkness as he twisted his face into a smile.

"Well she won't be coming around any time soon." At this, Gonzales lifted his hand, and Alexis could barely make out the shape of a syringe in the blackness.

* * *

**This is a short one, so I got it done quickly (and therefore posted it earlier than normal!). I hope you're still enjoying the story, and planning on continuing with it. As always, I'd be really happy to hear what you have to say. Especially reviews about the Adam Gonzales character... I'd love to know what you think of his motive and if you have any other ideas for him. Thanks so much!**

**-SEL**


	7. Playing Games

**Sorry it took me so long to update! But Chapter 7 is here, and I hope you enjoy it... As always I hope you take the time to review and give me feedback whether it's positive or not. I love to hear what you think of the characters and how well they're represented and how you think the story is progressing. I really hope you continue to be interested in this fic and that you keep reading!**

**-SEL**

* * *

Chapter Seven

"Look, I know you two were friends with Detective Beckett. I know you worked together. I know you-"

"Yeah!" Esposito raised his voice at Shoney, gesturing to Ryan. "We were friends! We worked together! Do you have something to say, or what?!"

"You can't investigate on my case!" The paunchy detective spit at his colleagues. "I get it. I do. But it's put you in danger, and it's violation of every rule in the book!"

Javier stood up with a clatter as his chair almost toppled over. The grief he was feeling was like gasoline for the fire in his eyes. "Bro! I did not do any investigating on your case. You think I wanna get suspended again? Now you got us down here, and Gates is gonna be breathin' down our necks. This isn't fair, we didn't do anything. She was our friend, and if I was allowed on this case, I'd be on it and ripping up the goddamn thing! But I'm not. So lay off!"

The office they were in was silent for a moment, and outside they could hear the click-clack of keyboards, ringtones and anxious footsteps. For a moment it seemed like they were frozen in time. Esposito stood there, hanging on to his teetering chair, staring Shoney in the face. Shoney stared back, and Ryan sat down still with a grimace on his face, eyes on the floor.

"Javi, that's not exactly true." Ryan spoke, all eyes on him. "Castle called me... He wanted me to look into Kate's childhood, try to find something that she was involved with, a club or a class, that wasn't common knowledge. He thought that maybe she could have hid her baby with someone she knew then that now lived out of state. I'm... I'm sorry. It was-"

"Wait." Shoney held up a hand and turned his nose to the ground. "It was Richard Castle? The husband? He was investigating."

"Yeah, I-" Ryan began to reply.

"He, his daughter and his mother could be in serious danger right now."

"Bro, what are you talking about?"

"I got a threat. From the killer. It's too much of a long story. We just need to get over there, now."

Ryan and Esposito met each other's eyes. In unison, they said:

"We know the address."

* * *

Alexis Castle begged for her life.

"Please. Please..."

Adam Gonzales inched the needle closer and closer to her neck, taunting her, making her plead and shake. Her hands struggled and trembled in the duct tape. Her pointer finger itched, her feet were sweating and unable to move. "Please..."

She tilted her neck away from the tip of the weapon, the whites of her eyes clearly visible in the dark as she tried to glimpse it. When the tip of the needle finally met her skin, it didn't feel as she had expected. It didn't feel like cold metal meeting her neck the way it would if she leaned her cheek against a window in December. It didn't feel like a vaccine at the doctors office where there's a short sting and then it's over.

It felt like the needle was barely even there. The only reason Alexis knew it was came from the tiny prickling sensation she felt right below the soft curve of her cheekbone. And the slight amount of pressure as it pushed up below her jaw when she swallowed. She closed her eyes, waiting for it to pierce her skin and leave her lifeless.

But it didn't happen.

The smooth-as-porcelain voice of Adam Gonzales slid over every part of Alexis as he spoke.

"You know what? I don't want to kill you."

She clenched her jaw.

"Well, that's not true," he spoke again. "But not quite yet. I haven't squeezed all the juice out of you... And you're so bursting to the brim I think you'd be very tasty..." Adam put his syringe on the concrete floor and brought his hand up to Alexis' face. He pinched her cheek between his thumb and forefinger, then grabbed her face and pulled it to his.

"No, no! Stop it-" But Alexis was cut off, her mouth otherwise occupied. He felt cold and stoney against her and she couldn't do anything about it. Her hands and feet were bound tightly.

He moved downwards, kissing her neck sloppily. Alexis saw her chance.

She took a chunk of his ear in her teeth and bit down as hard as she could.

"Ahh!" He screamed falling backwards. "You crazy bitch!" He pushed her chair over and she fell sideways to the ground. One of the wooden legs of the chair cracked off during the fall and skidded behind her. As Adam felt the side of his head, assessing the damage, she took a chance and grabbed for it with what little range of movement she had.

The stick was sharp and splintered, but Alexis could tell it would make no headway as to ripping her bonds apart. She gave up on trying to reach it and lay panting on the ground.

"Oh, you wanna play games, do you?" Adam asked, the smoothness to his voice all but disappeared. Only the sharpness remained. "Well, you know what?" He picked his gun up from the floor.

"I can play too."

* * *

The door to Richard Castle's loft flew open. Esposito, Ryan and Shoney rushed inside and immediately began turning over books and skimming counters, looking for some sign of distress. There was none.

"Man, we don't even know if something happened to him. He could be out buying groceries." Esposito leaned against a table in defeat.

"You don't know that." Ryan said. "We called, he didn't pick up. We called again, he didn't pick up. I called Alexis, and she didn't pick up. Martha says she doesn't know where they are. Something. Happened."

Shoney froze. "Guys, this is it. They left a note." A piece of paper was tacked up against the back of the door.

Left for 344 Madison Avenue, if anyone's looking, should be back in an hour. If not,  
please come check in. 12:34 pm, Saturday.

Ryan wiped his brow. "Javi, it's almost five. They aren't okay."

Shoney pulled the note off the door. "Then I say we take take a trip to number 344 on Madison Avenue. What do you think, boys?"


End file.
